Black ink on white

Escape route!!!

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 21:03:20 GMT

I like that new icon. That icon is simple yet it screams the obvious right into your face. I like it.

What can I say. I took a day off. -unwillingly and surprisingly -
I got home a little after 6 in the morning, went to bed, slept for 3 hours...tops.
The usual was about to follow. Desk. Law.
But I kinda had a breakdown. No way I could describe it properly. It probably wasn't a REAL breakdown but it scared me that much that I decided to ignore the books for a day. Common Sense= off modus.
It's silly actually. The test is on monday...thinking about it...even 3 days would have been impossible. Now it's down to two.
Well. It wasn't ALL my fault. My body simply refused and my brain followed.
That's it. End of todays story. I'm screwed!

I thought so much about writing today. I miss it a hell of a lot.
And even though I actually HAVE a few hours right now I can't bring myself to type down my weird thoughts...
THAT'S how exhausted I am.

I wanna sleep.
I wanna watch a movie or read a silly, non-theoretical book.
I wanna stay in bed. Forever.

Yes, I'm lame. I know that!

...god's honest truth!

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 21:04:48 GMT

I am unquestionable speechless these days....
There is too much happening inside my heart.

And there is so much I could say...but it seems like every word is foredoomed to failure.
I couldn't express....this.
I could never express it properly.

This is only about you and me.
I'm putting alot of effort into this lately.
Except for us the world is empty. I see you, only...I hear you... only.

What can I do to let these emotions linger on?

I don't ever wanna be in this empty world without you again.

Just because...

Thu, 07 May 2009 09:50:26 GMT

Jensen Ackles.

I seriously love ya boiiiiii! <3 So much.

Let's fit in a frame....

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 20:23:06 GMT

I'm definitely too stressed out to talk about law school tonight.
And I have to get back to my books in a second anway.
But before this. My writers-heart succeeded. An unedited version. But still. Represents a little what I've been through the last months.
It sure was a struggle...

-------------------------------------------------------

The rear-view mirror

My fingers were clutched to the steering wheel of my `63 Cadillac.
I loved this car, loved the safety it presented, however nothing could make me feel sure about the decision I was about to make. There wasn’t much room for doubts this time. I had to act intuitively or I wouldn’t act at all. I knew this part. Knew how much hurt it would cause.
The houses across my driveway looked peaceful in the total blackness of this Christmas night. No stars were there to guide me along, put up decoration for the holidays the only faint light my eyes could detect. The quietness gave me time to think although I knew this would only make it worse. I resisted the urge to look into my rear-view mirror for I knew what I would see.
He was probably up by now, realizing I had left our home without prior notice. Maybe he was already standing on our porch looking at my unmoving body on the drivers’ seat, maybe he’d still be searching the house for me. My head was spinning and I didn’t have a simple explanation for why I just didn’t start the car, hit gas and drove away.
Something was blocking me.
My free will seemed frozen between forced decisions.
This was the night I was supposed to leave the only person I have ever loved, whom I still loved. This was all I knew, I was doing this for the reasonable, more rational story ahead.
If there was one, if there really was a better future for me…I wasn’t sure about that. All I felt was concern and struggle because deep down I would have rather died than leaving the only place I could call my home. I looked around, into the familiarity of the neighborhood.
Him and me, we had a nice house. It fit in well with the usual family homes but it was special in its own way. It had us. We presented the binding link between a house and a home. We made it a home, our home.
But reality had to catch up somehow, it was only a matter of time. When I realized none of it was real, all just made up in my mind to give me at least a few moments of utterly and complete satisfaction I knew I had to stop. Give up on him and that house. Suppress my need to hold on to him. I always thought realizing itself would be the hardest, but living in this reality was actually worse. Reality is not easy, it’s unrewarding and even more. It’s painful.
I risked a glance. The rear-view was dusty, and I astonishingly realized that I hadn’t moved the car in weeks. This was a side-effect of being in this house with him. I hardly felt the need to leave it. I cleared the mirror and looked back. He was already there as I had expected.
Not moving an inch, he was very calm standing on our porch in my favorite outfit of his. There was a split-second in which I thought of getting out of the car and running back to him. I could have gone back just one last time and I knew he would have given me the kind of hug I was sure only he was able to give. But I restrained. There used to be so much love and sincere affection in our touches but reality had taught me better. When I told him to be fond he would be fond, when I wanted him passionate, the passion would never stop. It was me and my imagination.
All this time.
Seeing him so close yet so far in that mirror all I wanted was clarity. Easiness. Someone to make this decision for me. Someone to tell me how unnecessary this holding on to him was.
It took me another minute to really look him straight into the eye. He was beautiful, maybe not perfect but he was all I would ever want. He was all I could ever imagine. All, forever.
His face showed his confusion that just went so well with how I felt this moment.
Act instinctively I told myself over and over, so when I hit the gas pedal, closing my eyes I pushed the thoughts of him staring at me aside.
The car moved forward and when I checked the mirror again he was gone.
The rear view empty. Nothing there.
Relief washed over me, in the end it was easier than I had imagined. The blackness of nothing encircled my brain and it actually felt quite good for a while. I didn’t hear his voice, didn’t hear his laughter that was always the only comforting sound I knew. No shiny eyes stuck on my desperately running body, no smile that would welcome me home. I didn’t feel his hand around mind to ensure me that everything was alright.
I was leaving, on my way.
Into a colorless, soundless and dull existence. Because that was my choice.

I reached the desert at dawn. It was cold, bitterly cold, so cold I even had to turn on the heater. Arizona was a plain yet impressive state. Easy roads, not much to pay attention to since my car was about the only one in a few hundred mile radius this morning.
I saw him only three times after I had left. One time when I passed a gas station, next time he was standing in the middle of the desert far off the road. Last time a few minutes ago when his face appeared caught up in the rain that was splashing down on me.
I was pretty much playing along, trying not to freak, staying calm, ignoring the signs of the oncoming storm. I was concentrating on the big nothing as good as I could. I knew it would be hard, that my mind would be fighting to have him stay by my side. But this was what I had chosen. An endless fight against imagination and an utopian happiness.
This was the right decision, wasn’t it?! I could no longer give in and live this fantasy life where there actually was a me and him when in reality there could never be.

January passed and I had moved on.
Passed through Nevada on to Idaho and ended up in Oregon.
Not much happened.
February brought me to Washington. I liked Seattle. Liked the breeze coming from the pacific.
But not much happened either and I decided it was another time for a change.
I packed my stuff, got in my car and hit the road.
My Cadillac seemed a bit weary and hated me for leaving the easy western routes, moaning when we reached the mountainous roads in Montana.
I met a few people here and there but nothing could ever make me come a halt, neither physically nor emotionally. There was hardly a moment able to cheer me up. I hardly smiled.
I was bitter and strained. I wasn’t myself, not at all.
When I closed my eyes there was darkness. No colors, no smiles. It was silent. The music sounded different when I didn’t hear his voice in between the tunes. The air wasn’t fresh neither did the food taste the same.
It felt like the world was upside down, at least for me. Everybody else just went on. Nobody asked, nobody saw me and what had become of me. I was alone with this…and with my decision I didn’t even have the thoughts of him to help me get through this.
North Dakota and Minnesota didn’t really bring a change. Wisconsin and Illinois tried but failed in the end.
There was no point in turning around because the west-coast wasn’t really much better, the very first days after my decision felt good…but just because I had acted. Just because I had done something. With the consequences breaking in on me I realized nothing ever was good after this Christmas night. Nothing felt good, no one felt good.
I almost died in March, collapsing under my build up fake resistance. Collapsing under the amount of pain every single thought of him caused. I missed him so much, yet I went on with my delusional stray along America’s finest highways. Reversing my decision felt much like failing though I didn’t even know who I was competing with. There was no one who demanded a justification, no one but me. And after all I was the hardest judge in all this.
Missouri’s roads brought me to Kansas. The mid-western calmness appealed to me. I was closer than ever to where I had started from.
The bitterness crawled deeper into my body every day. I didn’t even have the strength to cry anymore. I could have just gone and left this world without much effort.
The sentence to death was spoken a long time ago. So much I knew.

I passed Oklahoma and reached the state line of Texas in the beginning of April.
Dallas was beautiful as usual. The vividness kept me up at night, had me sleeping for only a few hours a day. I felt exhausted. Didn’t know where to begin, didn’t know where to end. Unsure about every step, unsure about myself I strayed around aimlessly. An empty shell roaming the streets I was nothing more. Kissing strangers, washing off the dirt of my body in the morning because no touch ever meant a thing. Different day, different city. My wheels loved the lonestar state, loved the slowness of everything.
I still changed on a regular basis, waiting for the day I could finally leave the world and become a memory.
On Day No. 6 I entered the city of San Antonio. I knew my way around things here, strictly going for the best bar in town. I started to weaken, I could feel it. The moment the storm would hit me and destroy my wall of resistance was close and it was definitely stronger than me.
The whiskey burned its way down my throat and I stared into the black and white surrounding of mine and I thought that I was still too young to act so tough.
No one talked to me, no one shared a smile, gave me something I could work with.
I stumbled out on the street later that night, stumbled to the next corner, stumbled onto his path. My gaze stuck to his face for a moment and I could feel the tears coming up.
“No, not now” I whispered to myself knowing there was no chance I could run away from the wave of happiness rushing through me. His hair, his eyes, his mouth…so familiar.
His hands on my face, his voice whispering like music in my ears.
“You’ve come home.” He said and I smiled.
When he pulled me in, the alcohol washed out of my body and I was free. Free of the burden of pain, free of concern, free of hate. There was comfort in every single touch of his, my body pressed against his I didn’t feel like playing a role anymore. It was me. Right here. I was myself.
With him I was free. And I realized that if he really is all I could ever imagine so let it be me.
If he really is all I would ever need than there was no way for me to change it.
I was home. It might seem that I was failing in something.
But the changing was a failure itself.
So if everything in my life was a mistake anyway I would sure want the mistakes with him next to me. He drove my Cadillac and the passenger seat felt like the most comfortable place I could imagine. My gaze wandered to the rear view mirror. Raindrops were covering the rear window, sliding down in slow motions, a rainbow in the sky presenting the first colors I had seen in months.
A smile broke my face when I squeezed his hand and closed my eyes.
He is all I would ever need. Yes, I could work with that.

Then it's my turn to say "I had a very unfortunate dance with my...bus!"

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 09:25:55 GMT

Great, now that the LA decision is cut and dried I had the most idiotic dream.
Me, traveling, alone in a bus..somewhere California...the roads winding, cliffs on the side.
We pass a club, gothic club, with at least a thousand goth-tranny-kids standing in front of it...in the middle of the Californian nature.
The bus driver stares, loses control and we dive off the cliff.
Water. Death. End of the story.

What's that supposed to mean,mhh?!
I shouldn't go?
Is HE gonna be the mistake "I'm making"?
I'm confused...and it's official. I hadn't had a 'nice' dream in months...I must be a very non-deserving person.

So much time. So much nothing.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:29:00 GMT

The fact that I'm supposed to be super-practiced in all question concerning administrative law, administrative procedure law and economic law in LESS than one week hasn't really found the way into my brain yet.
It's like, there is a huge wall blocking the fear and the negative-excitement. Not good.
Doesn't mean that I'm not working. Because I am, very hard as a matter of fact. But my consciousness somehow lacks the awareness of the importance of that 4hrs+ test next week. Deep down, I'm scared. Disappointment. Failure. It's the worst of it all.

First thing today: Went out to buy a new law book containing the industrial laws. [never even heard of them before]
Bookshopping was good. I got another Fitzgerald book--> calms the nerves.
And a hilarious remake of Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice called Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I had to get that one.
Lizzy and Mr Darcy and a bunch of blood crazed zombies. Ha, I can't wait to actually read it!

Anyhow, I'm spending my days and nights quite awkwardly lately. I'm thinking way too much but then again my mind is blank...
All I know so far is that...mhhh...I might be going to Los Angeles next spring. Somehow...that idea is stuck now. Since Chicago is no option although I've asked several people [as Matey encouraged me]....they all couldn't help....so since that isn't working out LA seems like an 'alright' alternative.
One year. Such a long time.
I don't know...how......
It's gonna be almost three years then. So much time. So much nothing.
But Becky is gonna accompany me [well she said yes now...we'll see]...It's goood though because she's gonna keep me calm...she doesn't know ONE single thing...
I guess that fact is gonna make me handle things a little differently!
YES I CAN!
[...no...but...I'll try]

What else...what else...I don't know...nothing cheered me up today except for two very weird coincidences..
But they deserve a single post.
The rambling is turned OFF now. Goodnight LJ!

Out and about

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:03:20 GMT

♥

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 10:28:01 GMT

Will you say yes twinbro????
Come on, the role of Capt. America...clearly... was made for ya.
Puh-leaaase!

But I do know one thing...

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 21:55:10 GMT

This is the first evening in, I don't even remember how long, I actually have time to sit down and start writing again.
Stuff NOT concerning law issues. Yes I actually could. Doesn't mean that I will.
There's a nice big logjam freezing my brain and I don't know a single way to stop it let alone turn it around.
I hate these nights. These nights that I realize there is still so much pressure here and there and everywhere although I tried so hard to make it change for the better.
I'm not satisfied with how things are these days. Not at all. And I'm not okay. Not at all.
Not at all.

What are people thinking? I can't believe how the lack of empathy remains unrecognized. I just don't understand...
Maybe I'm putting too much hope in certain things...but it gets me everytime I get my ass kicked for it.
First day of the semester is always awkward. But I was being ignorant. Good thing. Lost in thoughts I actually smiled at people.
Funny how they never realize how much I'm struggling not to spit into their faces.

Is it very stupid to think of someone when I listen to Dave Matthews Superman song? Yes it is. I know, but I can't help it.
I'm still hoping that I can give him that CD sometime...not with that song...gosh, no. But some others....
There is still this huge huge huge project I'm planning....that I have been planning for months...maybe even a year already.
I'm planning and planning and planning. And I don't even know how I'm ever supposed to get that one chance I need.

Before I go to bed...

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 22:24:52 GMT

....Matt is on twitter now...oink....question is...oink....why does he have a picture of caleb as his default? oink? oink....

Today has been ok

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 20:49:53 GMT

How much did I miss the influence you have on me?!
I love you!

...bad day at NOT Black Rock!

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 10:07:20 GMT

NO NEW EPISODE?
ONLY A RE-RUN?
That just killed my Good Friday.

PLUS: MBV3D is out on DVD in May already. That's fast...
and my amazon wishlist gets more prosperous everytime I check!Aw man!

Tumbleweed!

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 01:56:37 GMT

WoOOoOOoooOOkay, so maybe I'm givin up for tonight. Concentration is on a dangerously low level. Too bad!
And my NOT-tasty coffee is cold. Even worse. No, not quite...but still.

Somebody having any doubt I can let my mind wander now????
Aw I wish. I was thinking about MBV3D ealier, ain't it supposed to hit the theaters over here sometime in April? I thought so...I need to check. I wanna see that lovely ~~[crappy*cough*]~~ movie agaaaain!
I really think that when Jensen's in the UK anyways sometime in May he could also come to Berlin and , I don't know...dance with me or something.
I'm talking true Bob Willis and his Texas Playboys- Square dance here! <3<3
I'd be the total dork but I'm sure we'd be having a good time.
Yeah, doubt vanished? Thank you!
OH AND BRING DANNEEL Jensyyy.
I need to thank her. She's gorgeous and I think MY Emma should look like her....so since she's my inspiration for that character now, I wanna tell her how grateful I am...

Also:

No Sir, your stare is NOT intense. Not at all.
I forgot. Whenever you're actually FORCED to be in different states you're on the phone all the time. Either talking or texting.
There is nothing left to say. I rest my case boys! <3

I think I'm heading to bed now, though I'm not tired, only exhausted.
I just needed a Jensen Post in here before I'd call it quits!
Buh-Byee!

sippin coffee through clenched teeth...

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:19:48 GMT

This is about my 5th Starbucks-Grande-Sized coffee, only it's not starbucks quality so I pretty much feel like a disgusted and beaten up zombie forced to NEVER rest again right now.
I swear if anyone ever says a students life is...'chill'... I'm gonna kill them, with my own bare hands.
The deadline for both of my cases is on Tuesday. I'm not sure yet of how I'm supposed to get everything done until then...
Right now it seems impossible.
But I didn't work for 8 weeks straight to give up now, although nothing would feel more relieving than giving up these days!
Well, I'm not. I will have to deal with my current state of numbness I guess!

However, I did fall in love a little today. I found a secret and dark corner in the library that made my face literally glow in delight.
TWO HUGE rows of shelves filled to the max with american law books. Oh, sweet mother of the Lord.
US Surpreme Court decisions, common law, jurisdictional history...
My first thought was " Damn, I wanna move in here."
The amount of literature did beat my disgust for the library....honestly, if I had just a little more time I'd spend all of it in the library, rummaging through this wonderfully 'foreign' jurisdictional system...learn anything possible. Self-education.
Despite all my anger all this time, law is still what I wanna do...next to writing.
Only I don't wanna do it here. Even the jurisprudence is so much better in the states. Not a surprise...surely!

But, no. This is gonna be a long night again...a long night with the state constitution of Berlin and plebiscite elements and appeals and... SHIT!

I've also been confronted with something I wrote back in 2003. Funnily, I even remember this day. My literature teacher who was definitely my favorite person ever back then,....what a genius...., told us to write a letter inspired by Goethes 'The Sorrows of young Werther'!
Naturally, nobody did write one, I however did...simply because I loved the book...and, of course, writing.
So because I was the only one who actually worked on one I had to present it in front of everybody.
His reaction was FTW! I wasn't sure back then if it was any good and I hated reading it out loud...but I was glad I did after all.
He was taken aback...and as far as I remember I think he said something like:
"You should type that down and bury it someplace, if somebody finds it they actually gonna think they've found a REAL, missing letter written by Goethe for his Werther!" --> That was about the best compliment I have ever gotten.
Oh, I'm just gonna write it down now. Maybe someone will really think I have a hidden treasure of Goethe scriptures [haha, NOPE].
But..in case I'm gonna lose the page one day. I will wanna remember this, for all my life.

-----------------------------------------------------
GK Deutsch "Die Leiden des jungen Werther" 3-4-2003
Brief vom 8ten des Januar 1955 [not really possibly for Werther. BUT there is a hidden meaning behind it. GUESS GUESS].

Die Frage, wie es mir ergehe, traf mich mit Unverständniss. Die Ferne tut mir gut, wie ich versprach.
Gestern feierte die ganze Gesellschaft im Dorfinnern, wo auch ich mich finden ließ.
Liebster Freund, du kennst das Innerste meiner Seele, seit ich geboren war und weißt,
wie sehr Musik mein Herz erfreuet.
Und gestern nahm ich das wundervollste, wahrhaft bezauberndste Stück mit meinen eigenen Ohren wahr.
Eine Mischung aus Gesang, Tanz und Gitarre, welche mich zutiefst rührte.
Ein einzelner Mensch führte auf der kleinen Bühne sein Talent den Gästen vor Augen und ich konnte mich des Gedankens nicht verwehren
diesen Menschen mit einer Hingabe zu bewundern, wie es vermutlich nur ein Liebender könne.
Eine Frage noch beschäftigt meine Gedanken...
War es die Musik oder der Künstler, der mich so erschaudern ließ?
Ohne Frage, der Rhythmus durchfuhr meinen Körper wie ein Meer von Blitzen, er ließ mich an verträumte, glückliche Tage erinnern und füllte auch die gegenwärtige Zeit mit diesen Gefühlen.
Meine fragenden Augen suchten weiterhin nach einer Antwort
und wanderten durch die Reihen der tanzenden und lachenden Gemeinde.
Ich fühlte zu wahr, was für eine Wirkung Klänge hatten, sie belebten Tote, erfreuten Verzweifelte.
Sehsuchtsvoll wandte ich meinen Blick zur Bühne...diese Kraft, die auch mich traf machte mir zunehmend bewusst, was es bedeute zu musizieren.
Nicht der Künstler, nicht die Musik erfreuen die Sinne, es ist das Zusammenspiel beider,
das Zusammenspiel einzigartiger Töne, Momente und Bewegungen, welche einem die Quelle der schönsten Empfindungen gewähret.

----------------------------
It's kinda weird reading this. First, it's german [ew], second...ah I don't know. Just weird. A wonderful memory though!
Just wanted to share LJ! <3

Alrighty roo I'm afraid it's time now. No more lovely literature moments. More devastating law-literature-freak-outs!

<3 Hey there Sasquatch <3
<3 Bye there Sasquatch <3

EDIT: Thinkin about it now. I think my literature teacher, who was a guy of 50-something, wore skinny pants, 60's boots and had orange hair for a short time....he was always in trouble, too. I remember that he came to school one day with at least a thousand scratches and wounds in the face. He said somebody wanted to steal his car and he fought them off. He had a rusty 80s VW. We never believed him!
Ha, good times!

Fallin asleep at my desk...waking up to chainsaws ripping through my house...

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:12:26 GMT

I could really need somebody to talk to tonight...some certain things...
you know. Just like Em would pick up the phone and dial the only number she knows by heart.
Yes, somebody like him.
Just him actually.

I can only imagine how he'd listen, how he'd laugh with me, how he'd cry, how he'd be interested in everything I would say...
I can perfectly see how he'd understand it all.
If only he knew he was my real-life survival guide. <3

Happy trailing!

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 18:15:20 GMT

AH AH AH!
This is really good!

" My old man always swore that hell would have no flames, just a front row seat to watch your true love pack his things and drive away " ... <3

Lost time!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 23:07:13 GMT

I AM SO OVER BEING PISSED AT YOU.

Feels just about good....
'Cause I've missed you more than words could tell !

HOLE IN ONE, BOYS!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 18:40:46 GMT

Let me internalize some things..

1. You spend approximately an average of 17 hours together working.
2. You then.. go home. To ONE house to spend even more time together. FREE time....lots of guitar playing, lots of video games, lots of steaks, lots of football, lots of drinking...lots of dancing too I BET!
3. Speaking of days off, you're usually someplace out together attending the same shows, games and events.
4. Coming to vacation, a time you could actually leave ordinariness, travel..let alone socialize with somebody else...you go on a roadtrip together just to do some silly stuff somewhere in the US....ALL together.

...I should have heard about that yesterday. Would have made it better! <3

...back on your feet!

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 15:26:24 GMT

It was good seeing you!

„Stay still. Just a second“ The man with the dark coat carefully reached out to grab her arm.
She was rushing by, which is a usual thing for her. Not noticing people around her, shutting out the world to the fullest. But the warm touch of the stranger made her slow down and eventually come to a complete halt.
“Can you tell me where we are?” he asked, looking vaguely familiar to her.
She looked around. Astonishingly she had to check for herself. When did it become such a habit ignoring the surrounding and just walking with your head down to avoid any human contact whatsoever?
"I…think. Yes. Look. This is…Morgan Place.” She answered, trying to make him focus on the street sign that hung a little lose just a few meters away from where they stood. "Thank you ma'am.“ He slowly removed his hand from her arm, nodding along with his thank you and left....

no plans on when it'll be continued.

-----------------------------

Pre-Birthday-analysis

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:56:41 GMT

I want him back.
Fuck rationality.

...more violence....to you!

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 19:03:30 GMT

Alright.
Caleb.
KILLING ME

Look. I'm breakin up with you. This is something I'm not willing to handle anymore. Please stop never calling.

Let's get some things straight. This picture right here is visual perfection. Doesn't get any better...impossible. Southern accent and I double that...visual/audible perfection.
DUDE!
I really don't know what it is you're doing to me...not in detail. It's very confusing.
Just one move with your head...your hip, hell you're almost fuckin your guitar...your hand in your hair.
This point is not only confusing, it's very frustrating. I doubt there is anyone better in bed than you.
How do I know that? I JUST DO!
Word on that Cowboy!

Also...it is kinda weird that between the sex fantasies you so purposely provoke your voice is bringing me to tears within seconds. Knocked up is the worst for sure. I'm never getting through these 7 minutes without tears streaming down my cheeks...it's insane!Not to mention Cold desert...but you hardly play that live. Knocked up is usually always part of your show- that's gonna be a though one in June.
King of Rodeo will definitely be a fucker in its own way because this song makes me unexplainable happy! I usually cry while dancing in that case.

Caleb. Caleb Caleb. You turned me into a weeping, old, ugly owl...
You've probably heard that a lot...BUT
Stop being so pretty, pretty boy
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Edit: Hell and stop making me wanna have dirty, kinky,scruffy,bad bad bad,violent, passionate southern sex with you.

Thanks dear! <3

Thoughts...out loud with no one to hear me...

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 22:00:19 GMT

Out of my hands

Your mixtape is still playing, filling this room with the story of you and me.

String your guitar, put on those boots, let’s get out of here.
For this Place’s not safe.
Let’s walk through the desert.
Along forlorn train tracks, wearing cowboyhats, hiding from the sun.
Take my hand. Run with me. Let’s never arrive.

Remember our first day?
I thought nothing would change. That smile you put on my face, so effortless for you.
I thought it would stay that way.
But do you see me tonight?

Remember the light up on my face?
The pink of my cheeks, the white of my lips, the glistening blue of my eyes.
Your fingers brushing along my features, covering me with the colors of the rainbow.
I can see the blue mixing with the pink now, forming a dark unison, gliding onto my lips.
I taste the colors once touched by you.
Taste the salt of the tears washing the paint off my skin tonight.

Remember that day when you drove me to the cottage at the lake?
Sometime in July it started so innocent.
On the road with you, far from reality.
Summer’s glow on intertwined hands, I couldn’t see.
Couldn’t see it coming, just hearing your voice calling out my name.

Your face moving an inch closer and I could finally see it for what it really was.
Didn’t let you know back then, couldn’t let anyone realize.
It wasn’t my time to tell the world how long it took me to understand.
How you were always simply going for my heart.

I baked you a birthday cake once.
It was an act of friendship. Who would have known back then?
We never celebrated the day, never stopped laughing, too busy to care about anybody else.
It was you and me and me and you.

There is no time to ask you this. There is no chance of letting you see it for yourself.
Look at me tonight, look me in the eye.
See the story behind the frontline of factitious strength.
See how I remember this moment so clearly, the moment you stopped tap-dancing around my heart and finally entered
for it had been your home all along.

You’ve given me a new life with that, surreal and beautiful.
You’ve made everything look different. And you let me be.
I could live for a while, being so close to you…
Happiness conquering particles of blues in slow but forceful paces.

But do you remember the change?
How unstoppable and brutal it took its place?
And I was sure we would find a way, somehow.
For all I knew was that I only needed this one moment, alone with you where no one could see our faces.

While the guilty vicious lie of pretense is growing, never slowing down all that is left inside is crumbling into pieces continuously, ruthlessly.
I never wanted to give up on this reverie, it was never my decision.
The mirror is reflecting what I never wanted to see.
Making me realize that all that has remained is the pathetic part.

Empty eyes staring out of holes. These days…quite hard.
For months I’ve been stumbling through a dull world, trying to find a place I could find some sleep.
Memories haunting, regardless.
Unable to change it for the better again. Unable to bring you back.
Useless life. Useless, unneeded me.

I’m long gone by now.
My body a shell never tired of pretending.
Letting everybody see I’m supposedly good without you.
But me…I’ll never let this story come to an end.
Unseen by the world I’ll keep on playing your tape, instilling my dry body with vivid memories of your hand in mine.
It’s destroying me, no doubt. But it’s all I know…all I can.

I can keep this up, you know.
Just don’t look at me now. I’m not who you used to know.
I had to find a way for myself. And I ended up despising myself.
Tired of screaming, tired of existing in a world that knows no you I keep insincerely falling in love with silhouettes.
Never like you. No one. Ever again.

'Cause I'm into it...

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 21:08:02 GMT

...didn't realize THIS weekend is comin up. Oh well, another reason to hate it even more.
Guess what. Headaches. Oh yes. But what I'm actually more worried about are these unexplainably painful.. angina pectoris.. [yes I googled] attacks I had this afternoon. Seriously, for a minute or so...I thought...well that's it. I'm done. Out. And over!
Anyway not important. I'd gladly end like this. Grilled by my own heart. How poetic.
Speaking of poetry. After that little outburst last night..which I know COULD NOT be called poetry...I looked up some older stuff today and came up with some things I wrote when I was in New York. I actually even re-read Emma&J Part III...well the bit I managed to write when I was home. It's funny...but I still love them. Jared seems so familiar, like he's my best friend or something. I'm afraid I created this character out of pure self-interest though, because a person like him...it's what I miss in my very own life.
Well... at least Emma can be "with him"... she is awesome. Really she is.
Seriously...I like them and I really wanna work "on them" again but maybe I should finish my vampire one first.

Here's an excerpt nonetheless. I'll make sure to finish the six episodes that were planned...
I have to. Sometime. For someone.

The alarm went off at 5am on Christmas Eve. I slept until 6am. I slept until my cell informed me that I had a text message.
‘Get up sleepyhead. Your train is leaving in an hour. Love you. Jared’ I sat up, sleepily, with a huge grin on my face until I completely realized the meaning of his message.
“Oh crap!” I yelled, suddenly awake, and jumped out of bed. It didn’t even take me twenty minutes this morning to shower and rebuild myself so that I would, at least, look like a human being to the world.
I grabbed a few clothes that lay scattered on my floor and threw them into my backpack.
‘Why don’t you ever pack in advance, stupid’ I thought and stumbled to my medicine cabinet.
“Tylenol. Codein. Oh yes. Codein.” I mumbled to myself, throwing the clacking bottle on top of my clothes.
I reviewed my apartment with a last sigh and closed the door.
Luckily there weren’t so many tourists around at this time of the day so I didn’t have much trouble catching a cab. The driver quickly understood my plea to go as fast as possible when he saw the extra 20 bucks that were in for him and instantly proved that the ‘I survived a New York City cab ride’- shirts should definitely be taken literally.
It was 6:57am when I found the right track at Grand Central, curiously inspecting the train that would bring me to Philadelphia. With grinding teeth I had to realize that it had San Antonio written all over it because, obviously, Texas was its Final Destination.
‘You never let go, now do you Jare’ I thought when I let myself fall into the cozy cushion, watching trees fly by when the train put up speed and rolled out of New York City.

The Philadelphia train station didn’t change at all. I still had it memorized so perfectly although I didn’t come here much more than once a year. Breaking out of childhood, fleeing from parental supervision…the adventure of the unknown always started here when I was a teenager. Maybe that was the reason the Central Station still felt so familiar.
I got out of the train last, with my backpack hung loose over my shoulder, taking every step as slow as possible, letting people rush by who were obviously eager to get home early this Christmas.
Nobody waited for me. Naturally. They never picked me up so I was already used to finding a way home by myself. My parents house was about 40 minutes outside of downtown Philadelphia, so normally I would have taken one of the many regional trains that also served the smaller villages scattered around the city. However, this year I decided to rent a car in case I needed to leave at short notice. My thoughts sounded ridiculous to me because I had never left early, as bad as it had gotten in the past, I would have never had the heart to leave them during the holidays. But this year I wanted it to be different. Besides, I promised Jared to take care of myself, even if it meant leaving early and spending Christmas on my own.
When I pulled up on the carport I noticed I was the first. Only my parents dark green Chevrolet was parked in the garage, the thick sheet of snow in front of it indicating they hadn’t left for quite a bit.
The house looked peaceful, pretty even. Dad must have fixed the porch I realized with a smile. I remembered how he hated handiwork even though he was a man. Always home late from work, the weekends usually busy too! ‘A man of law and order shouldn’t be responsible for stupid craftswork’ he used to say. He never could accept that he had retired and the almost forty year old house needed some attention now too. But mom must have convinced him eventually, because it shone white, almost blinding and the wooden platform looked neat and inviting. The light blue shutters were newly painted as well. I wondered if my siblings already knew about all the changes and decided that they must have. I was, after all, the only kid in the family who thought a monthly catching up would be enough.
It took me another five minutes before I could get out of the car and made myself dive into the familiar unfamiliar. It was quiet outside. Wonderfully quiet. And the air caused an actual physical pain in my throat because it seemed fresh, pure and ice cold. Slowly I trudged through the thick snow, regretting after seconds that I decided to wear my chucks this morning.
“Hey you!” a voice called behind me just before I reached the first step that would bring me onto the dry ground of the beautiful porch.
I turned around, already quite aware what my eyes would encounter.
And there they were, pulling up behind my rental car in their expensive show-off Mercedes with their Maryland plate that said ‘DOC-MD O1. Their way of letting the world know that Doctors were traveling.
Susan, my sister, hung halfway out of the window on the passenger side waving frantically while her husband, Bryan slowly came to a halt. Their two girls on the backseat hopping up and down, destroying the soothing quietness with their shrieking voices.
“Emma, is that your car?” Susan cried out as soon as she got out of her Benz.
“Honey, it has Georgia plates. What do you think?” Bryan said deprecatingly, not even bothering to greet me.
“Rental car!” I shouted towards them, also making no attempt to cross the lawn again to greet them properly.
Her husbands remark must have appealed to Susan because she nodded with a grin. She never expected me, out of all people, to have a car so the rental explanation sounded just fine to her.
There were quite some noises now in the calm neighborhood and it didn’t even take one minute until the door opened and mom stepped out looking at us with a pleased expression. Quickly she turned her head to get Dad.
“Jack, it’s the kids!” she screamed and tip toed out of the door frame to give me a quick hug before she went off to greet Susan and her family.
I didn’t have the nerve to watch that loving fuss and finally found my way on the porch, shaking off the snow of my soaked chucks.
“Emma!” my dads voice startled me. “Oh Emma, it’s you!” he said again when he pulled me in for a hug. What was that?
When did he ever hug me like he… like he really had missed me?
“Hey Dad!” I said, almost breathless. “What’s up?”
He let me go and watched me in the eye for a moment. “It’s good to see you kid!”
“Of course. It’s good to see you too, Dad!” I said, still a little taken aback by his never before experienced emotional outburst.
It was then when he saw mom with Susan and the rest that he fell back into the familiar behavior and stepped away without saying anything further. He walked towards the little group in the driveway, leaving me by myself, the way I had expected it from the beginning.
I kicked off my shoes and got into the house that never, not once, felt like a home to me.

--------------------

Not much of J here. But it's only a fraction of the whole thing. Really.
Anyway.
Despite headaches...maybe I can kick writers block in the shins tonight.

It was just impulsively written...on a crinkled piece of paper but it ended up being pretty honest!

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 23:07:04 GMT

A shining world.
Genuine smile and rays of sunshine gleaming out of glistening eyes.
Where once was a numb, emotionless mask beauty has taken place.
Drums and beats streaming through veins like liquid heroine.
It can’t stop. Just don’t let it stop.
The voice touching the pristine heart, making it dance for the first time.
Guitar strings gliding along untouched skin.
The roaring of the audience. The bass rushing in the blood, speeding up, speeding up.

Your face.

I feel it in my body. I feel it in every cell. I'm alive.
Every single particle of my organism is allured to that dance.
And it’s not gonna stop.
My soul is with you someplace, my ears all yours.
Skip a beat, my heart is racing with your chords.
Play for me. Sing to me. It’s royalty.

This...whatever it is...is dedicated to Kings of Leon.
Because, after almost 24 years of music experience I can say...for sure...that Kings of Leon are probably the most magnificent musicians I've ever come across. I'm no specialist, I'm no critic...I'm only honest.
Although you could kill me...literally...and I still wouldn't be able to make a choice of favorite KoL Songs I, in particular, thought of King of the Rodeo while writing this short non-poem-poem!
Even those sincere words could never even begin to cover what really happens inside of me when I listen to their songs...

There is not enough 'Thank you' to express how much you guys are giving to the world

I like the King who owns the pen! <3 There is just one btw!

Thu, 26 Mar 2009 12:18:25 GMT

It feels oddly good working on a different kind of law case. I was never fond of public law but after that civil law debacle I'm actually enjoying myself rummaging through constitutional and administrative issues. Who would have thought, huh?!
It's quite interesting to be honest. Also pretty familiar since we just had all those popular petition issues concerning the THF! Only that THIS particular case deals with the wrecking of the ICC instead. We'll see...for now, I'm quite relaxed!

The CW is constantly sending out bulletins promoting their new project "Vampire diaries". I'm really excited for that although when I see the cast so far...well, I just hope it's not gonna end up being one of those ridiculous teen-shows. WHICH could happen quite easily since it's gonna be a CW production. You know..all those 90210 and Gossip Girl crap...well actually Gossip Girl is not thaaat bad. Not good either but definitely not total idiotism. Anyway vampire diaries is also based on a novel PLUS the pilot is gonna be directed by Marcos Siega who works for Dexter pretty regularly...and who also directed an episode of True Blood and October Road. So he's actually the reason I'm still hoping for a GOOD new show! I'm just absolutely NOT convinced by the choice of actors. It's gonna be a young cast...and I start feeling old...
Maybe I should just keep on watching Boston Legal ONLY instead of all those new shows and movies. I could never feel old watching Denny Crane and Alan Shore dancing cheek to cheek on their balcony, drinking whiskey and telling each other how much of an awesome BFF they are! <3 Awwwww!

Yesterday was a total disaster by the way. I wrote like 5 sentences...tops! Writers Block is something I'll never get used to...damn I don't wanna get used to. Fuck my brain...I just want that story to be finished. The editing is gonna take me long enough after that...maybe this could be the first one ever that is actually worth printing! Well, for personal use of course.
And now, that I'm gonna be busy with the next case I'm afraid I won't be able to work on the story as much as I want to.
I'm still dreaming of that little cottage in the woods somewhere up north...Vermont, New Hampshire or Maine...at the lake. With no one around, no phone...maybe not even internet. Sounds like absolute freedom and peace! Sounds beyond my reach, too!

Anyway, since I still have internet these days...Nates twittering is cracking me up. what a sport! <3